The good string of Raws will hopefully continue tonight. We have so many questions to answer. Triple H is supposed to “get to the bottom” of this whole Punk-Cena thing. Double ladder match? How will they find a way to plug Keith Stone on their broadcast? Maybe the Skittles guys? Will the Bellas tell us not to bully and then bully their fellow divas? How long will the Divas Battle Royal last? Will my wife’s chocolate lab stop panting? Who will Chef Ramsay yell at for being cooking raw meat? Wait, that’s Hell’s Kitchen, not Monday Night Raw.
Time to make my Jim Ross setting is on, because Raw did kind of suck without him on there. Maybe he can announce Maury. “Oh, yes, he is the father. I couldn’t believe it! I really thought it wasn’t his.”
We began Raw with a long video package showing us why John Cena should not be employed. Then CM Punk comes out to “Cult of Personality” which I’ve heard was his ROH music. Why did Punk come back? He’s the man who gives voice to the voiceless. Wrestling needs him. He was gone a week and everything reverted back to the status quo. Then Triple H’s music plays and I have time to watch “The Deer Hunter” as he’s walking out. HHH did what was right and brought back Punk. Punk mentions main event talents they let go: Batista, Mick Foley, Chris Jericho, Brock Lesnar. Then Punk mocked Triple H for hogging the spotlight. ” ‘I just don’t think he has what it takes’ while he’s lying in bed with his wife.” HHH admits his ego and took the job of COO for “the people.”
John Morrison wants to jump on Rey or something. They both shake hands. Yes, we get it. Morrison is auditioning for another surgery.
I am liking the “Slim Jim Manbulance.”
Kelly Kelly is doing commentary. There were 26 reasons to watch this match. The highlight was seeing AJ and doing my periodic AJ swoon.
New drinking game. Every time you see the Twix commercial with the cops.
And then I changed the clothing from the washer to the dryer. My wife tried to keep me updated. “The One Who Looks Like She-Ra” is surprisingly not Beth Phoenix, but Eve Torres. Then Beth Phoenix picked up both Bella twins and threw them out. After that, she beat up Kelly Kelly and took the mic and told her that Kelly’s cute blond perky days were over. Good, can I have more AJ?
Then R-Truth comes to Miz in the locker room and convinces the Miz there is a conspiracy going on.
Another Manbulance commercial. John Cena says he wants to hear Triple H’s decision. Thanks. R-Truth and Miz get to come to the ring together.
After the commercial, JoMo and Rey get to walk out. They wrestle. I just waited for the commercial break I knew was coming. Hollywood is trying to make a pathetic remake of Fright Night. Make it stop. I saw a commercial for Colombiana. Zoe Saldana looks hot in that (and in every other movie she’s ever done).
The four had a nice match. Miz/Rey and Morrison/Truth work really well together.
Triple H tells John Cena not to take anything personal.
Another commercial. I hate Cheetos. I take another drink as I see the Twix commercial. Jerry Lawler’s cousin jobbed to Ultimate Warrior. Dolph Ziggler is wearing what can best be described as the worst looking skinny tie ever. Alex Riley walked out and he talked about something.
We had Santino & Ryder against Otunga & McGillicutty. They won. I don’t know why. At least Ryder took the pin. He’s not going to do anything to lose his heat.
Back from a brief Punk interview, we see Ricardo Rodriguez introduce Alberto del Rio… but you already knew that. Seems like there were a lot of commercials tonight. After the commercial break, we get “Jobber to the Stars” Evan Bourne. He makes me happy like a puppy or a kitten or episode of Super Hero Squad. Evan Bourne is now the designated “tapper.” Kofi came to his rescue. Evan + Kofi? My happy void was filled.
Triple H’s theme song is getting played three times? Did Katy Perry sing it? Thankfully Trips takes a long pause after every line so I can recap it. And then Johnny Ace (or Super Dave Osborne or Marty Funkhouser from Curb Your Enthusiasm) comes into the ring, tells us who he is. Now we have a new character. God help us all. Then John Cena walks out and tells us he enjoyed hitting Johnny Ace. Every person wants something different. Then CM Punk comes out. Punk knows how to work a crowd. Hunter makes a match at Summerslam (one match, one title). I really like how Cena and Punk both tried to get the crowds going. Good end to a Raw.
I had a hard time keeping my focus tonight, but I don’t think that was necessarily Raw’s fault. In many ways, this was like a season premiere, where we had a reset on several story lines. I’m still interested to see where we go from here.