Raw Is From the River 8-15-11

Due to personal work-related stuff, I have been knee-deep in everything “Not-wrestling.” I missed what was a really huge show at MPX and Summerslam, of all things. It will be nice to get down to some Monday Night Raw. I’m 33% done with what will be a KILLER work week. I’m beginning to feel sick. My 2-year-old daughter is teething. I had my first ever full physical and the doctor did NOT buy me dinner. Bad things are not happening in 3’s. They’re happening in exponents of 3’s. WWE, what I need tonight is something fun and entertaining. If you make me happy, I might even buy a t-shirt or something.

Due to my boy Zero sending me updates throughout the night, I know a little about Summerslam. I heard something about Kevin Nash. Of course, we all know the key to defeating Kevin Nash… running. It shouldn’t be a problem for Punk. God, if you can hear me, NO SEAN WALTMAN! I would rather see Brett Favre return to the NFL. (Though, and this hurts to say this, sober Sean Waltman and CM Punk could have an awesome match.)

Alberto del Rio is now champion, but you already knew that. We don’t have to hear about this being his destiny any more, because it’s his time now. Plus, tonight, we have Rey in his hometown vs. Alberto del Rio. I’m really thinking this could be a great Raw.

We begin Raw back in 2003 with HHH (but in a suit) walking to the ring. Trips is sorry for his mistakes and he will apologize to John Cena firsthand. HHH is not responsible for Kevin Nash interfering. Trips promised us one undisputed champ. Here is “Sr. Destino” Alberto del Rio. When I was in school, I swear a Spanish textbook was called “Destinos.” Now that del Rio is champ, can we get a belt that doesn’t make a local indy’s belt look better? Del Rio did a really good job of playing up the crowd as a heel. The Del Rio Era has begun. Tonight’s first sacrificial lamb will be Rey Misterio Jr.

John Cena has Hustle, Loyalty, Respect on his dressing room door. On my cube at work I have “With great power comes great responsibility. -Uncle Ben”

R-Truth fought John Morrison. Why is a “Falls Count Anywhere Match” being given away for free on live tv? It’s not even in the first 30 minutes of the show. I think my favorite wrestler in this match is Scott Armstrong. My second choice was the guy dressed as Ultimate Warrior. I think he was replaced during the course of the night by ANOTHER Ultimate Warrior. It’s inconclusive. This was the same match I saw one week ago, just outside the ring. Morrison won or something. What reason will we give these two for fighting each other next week?

Miz came out to the ring after raiding Vince McMahon’s 80’s wardrobe. He is forcing us to say hi to Jared from “Subway.” This is mind-numbingly bad. Apparently, they are building up a match between The Miz and Zachary Levi over who can shill Subway better during their show. There was no match. There was just a shill for Subway.

Then we had Kelly Kelly and Eve Torres come to the ring against the Bellas. My IQ plummeted. I was still smarter than Jared and the guy in the Ultimate Warrior garb combined. I’m going to say this and will probably have it blamed on sleep deprivation and a slow descent to insanity. This was an okay match. The Bellas wrestle a nice heel style. Don’t give them a mic, but they are not horrible in the ring. Kelly and Eve won. Beth and Nattie came out to the ramp dressed in beautiful evening gowns and applauded them. When do we get to see Eve turn heel?

So Kevin Nash walks to the ring. And that was it for Raw. Thanks for reading tonight. (Sorry, I had to.) Seriously, Kevin Nash on the mic is never a bad thing. He says Trips asked him to attack the winner. Then Punk’s music hit. Two of the greatest talkers of all time were one on one. They compare text messages. They had an awesome back-and-forth on the mics. Now I’m convinced that Punk is awesome and turns all his segments to gold. Can everybody else’s segments NOT suck?

Ah, now Super Dave Osborne is talking to Kevin Nash. Let me guess. He texted Nash with HHH’s phone. They replayed the “Death took a dump in your mouth line.” I was embarrassed for them.

Dolph & Vickie are both doing commentary and arguing. Alex Maivia is fighting Jack Swagger. I’m hoping we get a Riley-Ziggler feud. Can we just unleash Riley? Vickie stole JR’s trademark black hat. Then Jack Swagger did what was the worst finisher of all time. He won. Ziggler destroyed JR’s hat. The only thing more sacred is “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan’s 2×4.

After the commercial break, Swagger and Vickie started flirting. I’m pretty surprised Jack Swagger has time to wrestle, what with being Matt on Vampire Diaries and all. Jordin Sparks was on my tv. If I wanted to watch a show with predetermined results, I would watch wrestling, not American Idol.

We have Kofi & Bourne vs. Otunga & Hijo de Perfección. I think this is probably the lowest I have seen the Tag Team Division since Bodydonnas and Godwinns era. Bourne pinned them. Ok.

Now it’s Rey vs. ADR. I would like Ricardo Rodriguez to announce my arrival at work. And I also want Kane’s pyro. Alberto del Rio won. Big surprise.

Tonight’s Raw reminded me of an old HBO show called John From Cincinnati. Making it through most episodes was a chore. But I believe it was the 6th episode (out of 8) where I had one of the greatest moments I’d ever seen in television history. There is a surreal scene outside a barbecue where the show transcended normal television and became a work of art. I watched that show again, which is unheard-of for me.

I feel like we’re in John From Cincinnati territory. It’s a very blah show, but every once in a while, we have moments of brilliance (mostly Punk’s segments).

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