Raw Is Making Me Miss Hell’s Kitchen 8-22-11

So tonight I’m not really sure what I’m looking forward to on Raw. I’d like to see some of the same work put into the other storylines that are put into the Punk storyline. Tonight’s questions: How long will my wife stay awake? Will I regret that last slice of pizza? Who will Del Rio’s first program as a champion be? What annoying spokesperson would Miz like to feud with next? How about the T-Mobile chick? She’s really hot. Maybe Flash Mob Guy? (“We are…”) Who will Vickie be with now?

And thus begins Raw.

We open it up with Ricardo Rodriguez announcing Alberto del Rio. Alberto del Rio’s car is worth $225k. This is 5 thousand more than the value of my sister-in-law (who is currently living with us) on the black market. Cena’s music hit way too quickly. ADR’s shtick is just an act. He can’t stand toe-to-toe with Cena; he’s not CM Punk. Then CM Punk’s music hit. Cena wants ADR. Tonight. Punk and Cena both want to fight ADR. ADR doesn’t want either. Then HHH comes out to the ring. ADR will be fighting next. Punk and Cena will be the main event. (‘Cause y’ know, that’s not a special match or anything.)

ADR’s opponent was John Morrison, which drew my wife’s weekly hate over his beard. During the commercial, there are creepy invisible cops that come out of nowhere. This was a good long match. Apparently, my wife thinks that during this match is the perfect time to trim my dog Pillman’s toenails. This match was very effective. It got over the arm breaker. A really strong first match.

We get Nikki Bella versus Eve. Nattie and Beth Phoenix cut a promo where they channeled Nurse Chapel from Star Trek. There was another match (good if you have zero expectations). Eve won and then Beth and Nattie cheered for them at the top of the ramp.

Vickie Guerrero is now with Jack Swagger (look-alike for Austin on The Vampire Diaries) and he gets to face Alex Riley, who had no entrance. Dolph knocked over Vickie accidentally and then Riley sneak-attacked Swagger and got a pin. HHH walked through a time portal back to 1995 so he could talk to Kevin Nash on Raw.

Now Triple H and Kevin Nash are in the middle of the ring. HHH didn’t send the text. Nash needs theme music. They vocally bough time until it was time for Punk to walk out. Punk did the usual. And then Nash hit him and Punk became the biggest babyface.

Then we we have Boom-Bourne trying for the titles against Effy White’s husband and Mr. Half-Perfect. Evan and Kofi won. If you thought they were going to lose, you also thought Mark Wahlberg was going to lose in The Fighter. Kofi & Evan on BOTH shows? I am a happy man.

Kevin Nash was in an accident. He and Scott Hall must have been chasing the Steiners again.

Santino Marella is coming to the ring and gets attacked by Miz & R-Truth. I’m hoping that this happens to Jared from Subway next. I know what this is. We are going to have a tag match. Miz & Truth against the two cops from the Twix commercial. I really like this. Miz thinks Truth is crazy, but still makes sense out of what he says. The only problem I had is that Miz is the worst rapper since Fresh Beat Band’s “Twist.” (I love you, Marina!)

The main event was really great for what it was. I had no doubt that Cena was going to win. The crowd was really into this whole night. I liked the Alberto del Rio beatdown afterwards on Cena.

This was a pretty decent Raw. I really didn’t dig Kevin Nash being involved in this, just because I can’t see where they’re headed on this. I will give them the benefit of the doubt. Not every promo can be the greatest ever. The first match was really good and there wasn’t anything that made me angry. I’ll give them a head-nod and an ok.

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