Matt Hardy: Not Edgy Enough

I would just like to give a quick warning. This is a satire and is only for entertainment purposes only.

Matt Hardy, I love your sensational work last night. You had everybody on the edge of their seat wondering if when they woke up the next day, you were going to be alive or not. I heard you made people lose sleep because they weren’t going to sleep until they knew you were ok. Thankfully your brother’s girlfriend and long-time friend both let us know you were alive otherwise we’d be waiting for that TMZ announcement that you committed suicide. You took our emotions for an industry where suicide is prevalent (Mike Awesome, Test, former MF-er Crash Holly) and you found a way to work your fans, people who paid for your t-shirts, watch your sensational programming and even bothered to read a book you wrote.

But see, Matt, suicide isn’t shocking enough. So what if you got your name trending on Twitter? I mean, come on. Bill Cosby’s name trends on Twitter quarterly just because some fool makes a rumor that he’s died. You had some people crying. You gave us perhaps what is the most disturbing thing we’ve ever seen from a pro wrestler (with respect to Chris Benoit, we never saw any of that). But Matt. Let’s get real. A Youtube video implying suicide? Please. That is nothing. You could have incorporated any of the following things to make your “announcement of change” that wasn’t a suicide note even MORE disturbing.

1. Cannibalism-I mean, come on. This is the last great cultural taboo. You want people talking about you? Go through with the suicide and then have somebody standing by ready to eat you. Don’t you have some fame-hungry buddies from the old OMEGA promotion that would be willing to eat you? What about that guy who gave out John Lauraniatis’ public email address to tell him to sign him? Surely he’d like to eat you.

2. Genocide-I was originally going to say homicide, but let’s be honest. How many movies have we seen snuff films or that movie where the guy is going to kill somebody live on the Internet? Yawn. Let’s make it interesting. Why don’t you find a litter of kitties? Or puppies? And then cut their throats on Youtube? Maybe a roomful of deaf children you’ve doused in gasoline that you can light a match? What about driving a full “short bus” off a cliff? But see, genocide would be so much more shocking than any of those. You can take an Amazonian tribe and slaughter them all on camera. So much more shocking.

3. Necrophilia-I know. The WWE already tried this with your ex-girlfriend’s on-screen ex-husband, Kane. It was so shocking, it was funny. Now I’m sure there would be anybody wanting to have sex with you. So after your suicide is done (make sure you still have an erect penis or you’ll have to resort to a strap-on), just lie there.  Some 21-year-old girl who has dreamed of this moment her entire life can finally consummate her psychotic obsession with you. And since you’ll be dead, you won’t have to worry about if she’s not or not. But we know you really don’t mind how hot she is. You were with Ashley Massaro.

4. Bestiality-Now I know this would be a sensitive subject for your brother Jeff, but you’d be dead so what consequences would you have to do with? Come on, think of how quickly your name would trend on Twitter if you took a donkey, ala Clerks 2. Or a small farm animal like you can find on hardcore internet sites. Or think outside the box. Surely Joanie Laurer would count for something. There are thousands of animals out there you could have your way with on YouTube. At least until they take it down.

Yeah, Matt or Matthew, whatever you want to call yourself. Not edgy enough.

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