Raw Is Not Working 9-5-11

So tonight, we look forward to a night full of intrigue and action. I’m not sure where I’m planning on getting it because it’s probably not on Raw. Zing! But seriously, we are on the verge of reuniting with 2003 again. Every angle seems rushed. Any time anybody gets any momentum, they are put in a tag team with another guy gaining momentum. Triple H starts off every show. We’re a Katie Vick away from revisiting the darkest era in WWE’s history.

It looks like we are continuing the “Super Raw” gimmick. I’m good with this. We have a lot of good things going for us: CM Punk, Miz, Air Boom. We just need to go a different direction than they have in the last 10 years.

We begin with Punk, which is an improvement over weeks’ past. Punk is different. Kevin Nash is not different. Punk calls out Nash. Nash walks to the ring wearing a t-shirt from the Simon Cowell Collection. Then HHH’s music hit and drew Punk saying “I’m not done” which drew a laugh from my wife. (That she was even awake was a small miracle.) Kevin Nash made the WWE cool again. It was Nash who sent the text to HHH’s phone. As they were doing this really intense promo between Nash and Trips that the audience cared nothing about, Punk was at the side, mugging for the camera and playing Mystery Science Theater 3000 to their speech. HHH fired Nash. If you believe he’s really fired, I have some nice oceanfront property in Vegas for you.

Clive Owen is now doing a film where he has a porn-stache.

After the break, Kevin Nash gets into a limo with Super Dave Osborne. Air Boom comes out. My wife is happy. We see Jinder Mahal and then ask for the brand split to come back. We get Air Boom versus Mahal and (Kevin Nash’s former co-star in “The Longest Yard”) The Great Khali. The crowd seems to be really into Kofi & Evan. Of course Air Boom won.

Alberto del Rio’s car arrived and Ricardo Rodriguez gets out and opens the door for him. Alberto del Rio drives? We get Eve Torres versus Beth Phoenix. Beth and Nattie have thighs that have zip codes (and they’re all muscle). Their match wasn’t very fluid. If they wanted real women that were contrary to the cookie cutter, they would go get women wrestlers like Sara del Rey, Portia Perez, Christina von Eerie, Daizee Haze or Athena.

Legolas from LOTR is backstage talking to Christian when Alberto del Rio interrupts them. We saw a promo for HHH’s movie and then Nick Swardson’s movie which should underperform Sarah Palin Undefeated.

R-Truth finally has music again? Miz has a suit that is based on one of Mick Foley’s flannel shirts. These two work so well together. Miz comes off unscripted. R-Truth does not. They are facing Air Boom at the next PPV. Punk and Truth had a really good match that was wasted on some pretty awful commentary. Like Schiavone/Mark Madden bad. Punk won. HHH came out and made this match no-dq. And then Punk made it that HHH steps down. Do they pop stupid pills in the back? Let’s just hook Sam and Diane up in the first episode of Cheers. How about Ross and Rachel getting together on the first episode of Friends? And maybe Tony Soprano gets killed in the first episode of Sopranos.

We get Lawler and Zack Ryder versus Hijo de Perfección and Mr. Hudson. Zack Ryder got tv time and a video package? Ryder got the pin.

Then we got Orton vs. Heath Slater. The crowd is into Randy Orton. This was actually really good for a squash. I miss these. Raw needs more of these.

Now John Cena is in the ring with Alberto del Rio. All the “rudos” come out to attack Cena. Rudos=heels in Spanish. 8-man tag match main event? Yes, please!

This would have been great if it weren’t for the elimination part. Swagger eliminated two men almost single-handedly. Of course Super Cena was the only one left.

There was no middle ground in tonight’s Raw. It was either the greatest ever or the worst mind-numbingly awful excrement ever. Though I hate where they’re taking Punk, he is making it entertaining. I like Air Boom and Awesome Truth. Kevin Nash has got to go (unless he unzips himself and Colt Cabana steps out). It just seemed like the WWE writers took a night off for Labor Day.

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