Raw Is Three Hours 4-23-12

We begin with the contract signing being set up. John Cena comes out talking to his favorite cameraman, and then Johnny Ace breaks up Brock’s music to tell Teddy Long that Brock isn’t in the building yet. Then Edge comes to the ring much to the enjoyment of the fans. Then Edge cuts the promo we’ve all been waiting for. That got the crowd chanting “Cena, Cena, Cena.” Every wrestler should have been huddled around the monitor watching it. That’s how it’s done.

We get Jericho in all his glittery sparkliness. And then we got Kofi in all his Enhancement Talent to the Stars glory. Kofi was great. Dolph is the most under-appreciated wrestler in the WWE. But I think Kofi Kingston has to be the most under-appreciated babyface. This was a great match. I don’t use the word “great” very often, but this was everything you would think it could be.

Johnny Ace names Eve something that gives her more dialogue. Ugh.

They replayed the really excellent Brock promo. I fast-forwarded. I’m pretty sure he’s still an a**wipe.

Jericho got CM Punk a liquor basket. Predictable.

We got more R-Truth. May I say that R-Truth has quickly become my guilty pleasure in wrestling? He is going to fight The Sultan outfit, who is now being portrayed by the Hip Hop Hippo, Albert. I think they’re trying with Lord Tensai so I should give them credit. R-Truth got in some offense so it wasn’t a total squash. He did the green mist, which means I’m going to hear every “smart” wrestling fan argue that Albert stole that from Tajiri (when we all know he stole that from MsChif).

Kane walks out wearing El Zorro’s mask. He cut the decent promo he always cuts. Then Randy Orton interrupts to show he has Kane’s father Paul Bearer bound and gagged in the back. He shoves him into a freezer. This is the second time he will be killed on tv. The two beat the living crap out of each other.

Alex Riley tells Jericho that CM Punk is drinking alcohol in the back. Jericho follows him to crack open the door and sure enough, Punk is drinking from a Red Solo Cup. Jericho, I think you just looked like 1990 Sting.

Alberto del Rio comes out to the best ring entrance in the WWE. He is teaming up with Cody Rhodes, I guess, because they both exist. And they are wrestling Big Show and Great Khali for the same reason. I think I need to say I am enjoying this phase of the Big Show’s career. Nothing will ever beat 1996 The Giant in my eyes, but I think the evolution of the Big Show is night and day. I think this was quite possibly the best match these 4 could have had.

And just as I feared. They gave Eve dialogue. Punk can be suspended because he drank in a 12-hour period. I cannot even begin to describe how ridiculously insulting this is to my intelligence.

Brock Lesnar annihilates Josh Matthews.

We’re supposed to have Beth Phoenix vs. a Bella. And because the divas do nothing, they make it a Lumberjill match. It was actually not a bad match. They gave the women some time and they used it well. The Bella won.

We got to watch CM Punk take a field sobriety test. It was everything you’d expect. According to the cop in the ring, Punk failed the sobriety test. Then Punk had to give the belt to Punk to give to Teddy. And then Punk recited the alphabet live. We even got a Ric Flair strut. Not my favorite thing but I will live.

Sheamus got Mark Henry. And Daniel Bryan was named special guest referee. The crowd is going rather nuts for him. It was a short match with Sheamus being pinned by Mark Henry with a (lightning) fast count. This night has been GREAT build-up for Extreme Rules.

Primo and Epico are wrestling Zack Ryder and Santino because they exist too. This was another pretty good match. Ryder and Santino won. So I guess tag champ makes you first jobber.

Kane takes Paul Bearer out of the freezer to put him back in. So now he can kill him just like his brother did.

Abraham Washington gives his card to the Latino 3.

Funkasaurus and Hornswoggle took on Jack Swagger and Dolph Ziggler. It wasn’t a bad match.

Then there was the contract signing which went on forever.

A really good Raw again. Work was first-rate. Matches seemed a little fresh.

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